Basket Case
by Satan's ass cheeks
Summary: In every human's life comes a moment where he questions what life choices led him to where he is. For Alex Jones this moment came as he was belly dancing in only a pair of flowery panties in front of Nick Fury.
1. Chapter 1

In every human's life comes a moment where he questions what life choices led him to where he is. For Alex Jones this moment came as he was belly dancing in only a pair of flowery panties in front of Nick Fury.

If Alex had to resume the whole story from the beginning he'd say it all started approximatively a year ago.

* * *

Alex had been staring at the two packs of Doritos for approximatively ten minutes trying to decide wich one to choose (in his defense, he was stoned) when he saw a red blur in his peripherical vision. As he turned he found himself facing a (rather well shaped, he wasn't going to lie) red leather clad masked man. After a few seconds of staring Alex decided to break the silence, ignoring his basic survival instincts (not that he had any, Latika often wondered how he managed to survive 22 years old without any medical assistance).

"I gotta ask, even if I feel the answer is going to creep me out, Is this a weird sexual thing?"

"Not really, but if you're into that sort of stuff I'm sure we can arrange something."

"No thanks, so any particular reason as to why you're dressed as a cheap Spiderman copy? Or is this an everyday thing?"

"Spiderman?!" came the stranger outraged reply, Alex noted the strong canadian accent. "If anything he's the one copying me! Come on man my costume is way cooler, though his ass is pretty awesome."

"Agreed on that. Name's Alex by the way."

"Pool. Deadpool. But my bitches call me Wade."

* * *

"So if its not fetishism, what is it?" Alex asked in his current drunken state "wait is it some kind of traumatism? Like your mother kept telling you you were ugly as a child and now you go around wearing a mask? Or are you born with a dick on your forehead and it's so little you're embarrassed to show your face?"

Wade burst into laughter, the spasms of his body almost making him fall off the building (a rooftop probably wasn't the best place to get wasted with your 3 hours fresh new friend)

"Nah man, I'm just ugly as fuck. Some weird scientific experience fucked me up"

"Oh so you're like the ninja turtles?! That's sick man! I want to see!"

"Nah Beyonce, you can't handle this."

"Dude I've watched Green Lantern twice, I can handle anything."

Wade considered him for a moment before reaching behind his mask and pulled it off.

"Don't say I didn't warn you."

Alex stayed silent for a moment.

"That's all?"

"What that's all?"

"Well with all the drama you made I was expecting something more hardcore, like I don't know scales, multiple eyes, some pinches like insects and all that shit."

Wade looked at him incredulously.

"pinches? Why would I have pinches?!"

"Well you said it was a science experiment! What made you participate in the first place anyway?"

Wade pulled his mask back on.

"Two years ago I had cancer, some suit comes to see me telling me he can cure me, I signed up without thinking. And they cured me a little too much" he chuckled lowly. "Now I'm immortal and I look like Satan's asshole."

"Come on man don't say that, you look clearly more like Ryan Reynolds's asshole."

Wade laughed.

"Doesn't mean anyone will want to get acquainted with this asshole, if you catch my drift" he said pointing his face"

"You'll be surprised the number of people who love to get on with assholes. There's always hope, if honey boo boo's mom managed to get pregnant with a face worse than yours you'll have no problem getting some too. All it'll take is to find the right person, maybe some booze and let your personality shine."

Alex saw him smile through his mask.

"You're pretty good at making people feel less like shit."

"So I've been told."

"Maybe you're right. Who knows maybe I'll be able to have some sexy times with Spidey someday..."

"I still think he's jailbait."

"Come on with an ass like this he can't be underage!"

"Have you seen his frame?! I give him no more than seventeen!"

"You can't say that he's my crush!"

"So?"

"I jerk off on him three times a day, it'll be gross if he was jailbait!"

"Dude it's gross anyway"

"Meh, we'll see that in three years when we'll be together and you'll beg us to have a threesome."

"So you admit he's underage?"

Wade opened his mouth to retort but stopped abruptly. Alex saw him tense his whole body becoming rigid.

What's wron-"

Wade suddenly pushed Alex down, the sound of shots being fired ringing in their ears.

"STOP SHOOTING! THERE'S A CIVILIAN WITH ME! " Wade yelled.

The shots stopped and Alex seriously wondered how drunk and stoned he was when he saw Captain America and Iron man land side by side on the rooftop along with a giant leather clad black man, wearing an eyepatch. He turned towards wade to see that he had at least ten bullet holes in his suit.

"WHAT THE HELL?! WADE!"

"M'okay, invincible remember?"

"Oh. Right."

"Good job Rogers, looks like you almost killed another civilian." Iron man jabbed venomously at the Captain.

"You were the one supposed to make the field recognition Tony, don't pull this one on me" The Captain retorted.

They kept arguing back and forth under the eye of the three other.

"I think there's some unresolved sexual tension between these two." Alex commented after some time.

"Geez Alex, such a pervert! why does everything has to be sexual with you?" Deadpool ironised.

"Everything is sexual when you're a psychiatrist." He shrugged. "I mean look at these two, they obviously have strong links towards one another, they may have had something at some point, but there was a conflict that opposed them and forced them to chose sides. Iron resents the Captain for not standing by him, and he keeps making allusions to make him uncomfortable. While the Captain feels guilty, he's fed up with Stark avoiding discussion and keeping with the sarcastic replies despite his many attempts of reconciliation. These two need to discuss their real problems and maybe have sex after."

Alex turned his head away from Wade to see the three other men looking at him like he was the one who looked like Ryan Reynolds's asshole.

He turned his head back towards his friend only to find him running away, jumping from a rooftop to another, quickly followed by the three other men.

"Ninja turtle, I knew it." He murmured, and as the adrenaline rush dissipated, he passed out.

* * *

When he woke up, his body felt so heavy he wondered if he had managed to get pregnant while sleeping. He opened his eyes and immediately regretted this decision. After blinking a few times and a few failed attempts at getting up, he managed to straight up on his chair and notice the three men in the room looking at him. He startled when he saw them making a smirk appear on Tony Stark's face.

"Mister Jones, how are you feeling?" The scary man with the scary eyepatch asked him in a scary voice.

Alex didn't know what to answer besides 'how the fuck do you know my name?!' and he had the feeling it wasn't a question to ask to a scary person. It didn't matter since the man kept talking.

"My name is Nicolas Fury, but you may call me Nick." Alex raised his eyes from the table to look at him. Yep, still scary." I am the former president of S.H.I.E.L.D. and the current coordinator of the avengers team." Curious, Alex thought the avengers had been dismantled. "I think it's useless to present you to these two..." He gestured towards Stark and the Captain. "I brought you here because of the analysis skills you showed off yesterday. And the exploit that you showed off earlier before, not many people made it out alive after being confronted to an individual as unstable as Wade Wilson." So Wade's last name was Wilson. He'd have to search him on Facebook. Wait, Wade unstable? Alex resisted the urge to defend his friend. "As you know the avengers have been dismantled recently, and even if the team has been reformed many conflicts subsist. We would like to engage you as a therapist."

"Come on Nick that's crazy and you know it-" Stark interjected before being silenced by a glare from the man.

Nick fury then turned towards him, and asked him expectantly

"Mister Jones, do you agree to become the therapist of this team?"

Knowing it was his time to shine by his words of wisdom, he raised up and did the most adult thing that came to his mind: He freaked out.

"WHAT THE HELL?! OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD THIS IS A HALLUCINATION RIGHT? I'M TRIPPING I KNEW THIS YOGURT WAS WAY TOO OLD!"

Captain America put his hand on his shoulder.

"Alex calm down you are not hallucinating"

"OHMYGOD I CAN FEEL YOU! WHY CAN I FEEL YOU ?! OH SHIT THIS IS FOR REAL?! HOW DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN?!WHY DOES THE WEIRD SHIT ALWAYS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME?! I JUST WANTED TO EAT SOME GODDAMN DORITOS FOR FUCKS SAKE! IF ONLY I HADN'T SMOKED THIS POT I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN HUNGRY AND I WOULD NEVER GOT OUTSIDE AND I WOULDN'T BE HERE FREAKING OUT IN FRONT OF CAPTAIN AMERICA AND WHY DO I KEEP SCREAMING I CAN'T STOP SCREAMING-"

Alex came back to his senses the moment Captain America's palm collided with his jaw. Well actually it took a few seconds, even if the guy meant it to be a gentle slap the hit actually made him see stars. No pun intended.

"Hum, thank you sometimes I tend to..."

"Freak out?" Stark deadpanned. "congratulations Nick you engaged yet another freak" he snapped at Fury, but Alex had the feeling the jab was more directed at the Captain.

"Yeah, so, hum, well I appreciate that you thought about me for the job, but I never had my psychology degree, and as you can see I'm not really mentally sane enough to be a therapist so I'll have to decline your offer and go back to the little shithole I come from, so I'll be on my way, as soon as I know where it is" If he wasn't actually still seeing stars he could have sworn he saw disappointment crossing the other man face.

* * *

The ride home was awkward to say the least, Fury had insisted to accompany him personnally, in his scary black SUV that he was sure had carried dead bodies at some point. And not one word was exchanged during at last fifteen minutes.

"You're wrong" Fury stated. "About not being good for the job"

"I don't have the right qualifications to-"

"That's a lie. I did some research about you mister Jones. You think I don't know why you never had your master? I know you didn't drop college like you like to convince everyone." He threw him a glance. "You're forcing yourself into an easy life because you're afraid of failure, but in the end you are still bored, and we both know that this life will never quite be enough for you"

And at this moment Alex really wanted to tell him that there was no need to hire him since Fury was obviously better at analyzing people than he would ever be. "I can't be a psychiatrist, I've never wanted to be one. I'm not good at helping people"

"That's a lie. People like you are made to help people. And it's what they do. Even if that's not what they want." He paused "We're here" Alex didn't bother asking how he found his address.

* * *

It took Alex three days before his resistance snapped and he called Fury back.

The first day he was bored. The food seemed insipid, the books and tv shows were not interesting and he realized how true Fury's words were.

The second day he pondered. He spent the whole day staring at the little card Fury gave him, thrown over the coffee table. At ten in the evening, still in intense eye contact with the card, and half way through his fifth plate of lucky charms (he didn't own any bowl, sue him) he decided he would call Fury.

He spent the third day waiting, because he was so not an easy guy. He practiced a little too before finally calling Fury.

"Alex Jones, to what do I owe this pleasure?" Came Fury's smug voice.

"Hello Mr. Fury" Alex said in the most professional voice he could manage "I thought of your proposition and although I am a very busy man I decided to accept it."

"Excellent, We'll have to discuss the arrangements, I'll send you a car later in the morning" came Fury's chuckled reply. Alex didn't understand.

It was only when he hung up that he realized he had sold his soul to the Devil at 4am.

* * *

 **I WILL WRITE MY NOTES LIKE THIS BECAUSE A)IT'S MORE FUN AND B)THIS WAY I'LL BE SURE TO GRAB ALL YOUR ATTENTION.**

 **SO, HUM, YEAH. THIS IS MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT WRITING EVER AND ENGLISH ISN'T MY NATIVE LANGUAGE, SO PLEASE BE KIND TO THE NEWBORN BABY THAT I AM. OR AT LEAST AS KIND AS THE PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET CAN BE.**

 **CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM IS ALWAYS WELCOME. I WANT FOR THIS FIC TO MAKE THE READER PARTICIPATE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE IN THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE PLOT SO DO NOT HESITATE TO TELL ME WHAT YOU DID OR DIDN'T LIKE, WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE OR NOT IN THE NEXT CHAPTERS AND SOME IDEAS THAT THIS FIC INSPIRED IN YOU. IT IS ALWAYS HARD TO CREATE AN OC CHARACTER AND MANAGE NOT TO MAKE THE WHOLE STORY REVOLVE AROUND HIM/HER SO PLEASE YELL AT ME IF YOU FEEL I GOT TO CARRIED AWAY.**

 **I WILL NOT LIE, I AM THE LAZIEST PERSON I'VE EVER KNOWN SO I CANNOT PROMISE I WILL UPDATE REGULARLY BUT I WILL TRY.**

 **YOU ARE PROBABLY TIRED OF READING THIS WITH THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD SCREAMING SO I WILL LEAVE NOW.**

 **ADIOS BITCHACHOS.**


	2. Chapter 2

**SHUT OUT TO ME FOR TAKING LESS THAN A YEAR TO UPDATE!**

 **DIDDLXD: YOU SKANK I KNEW IT WAS YOU FROM THE MOMENT I SAW LYDIA ON YOUR COVER PIC. WELL PETIT MILLEFEUILLE GAY I PUT SOME EASTER EGGS DOWN THERE FOR YOU TO FIND (I'M TALKING ABOUT THE CHAPTER DUH). PS:YOU STILL SOUND GAY EVEN WHEN YOU WRITE.**

 **CAVEMAN66: THANK YOU SO MUCH IT TOUCHES ME VERY MUCH THAT YOU LIKED IT, I HOPE YOU'LL LIKE THIS CHAPTER TOO.**

 **SO HERE IT GOES.**

* * *

At first Alex thought Nick fury's only job was to sit here and to basically look done with everyone's shit. But after witnessing him silence a whole crowd of supernatural beings, super soldiers, super spies and irresponsible geniuses with only one glance ( and Alex was extremely thankful for Nick fury partial blindness, this look was scary enough with one eye, he didn't want to see the effect with both) Alex came to two conclusions. One: Nick fury was the most badass person to have existed ever. And two: As constipated as you can be you will still crap your pants if you ever cross the eye of Nickolas J Fury.

Once the whole 'team' (In Alex's opinion they looked more like the Kardashians than actual superheroes) had been reunited in one room , the challenge had been to obtain the silence. Which Fury managed effortlessly. Until the whole idea had been explained.

Alex was certain he was loosing more and more hearing by the minute and he was seriously pondering if it was such a bad thing if he became deaf since he wouldn't have to hear all the 'morons' and 'assholes' and what he assumed to be Russian insults that the people considered as the protectors of the Earth were currently throwing at each other.

His debate soon became irrelevant as a booming 'enough' ecchoed in the room efficiently rendering him deaf. Alex turned towards Fury's scary pissed face, who was glaring at everyone in the room.

"I don't give a damn about who doesn't want to be in the same room as who, you will all do this therapy even if I have to throw each of your asses one by one in that room, understood?" When no one objected, Fury then turned towards him. "Mister Jones please explain how this whole ordeal will be proceeded."

Alex quickly gathered himself.

"Well at first I would like to see each one of you individually to establish profiles, then see you in pairs to work out some eventual personnal conflicts, and some group session in the future if you eventually stop yelling at each others." They didn't seem amused the least. "I was going to start with weekly two hours sessions for each of you. Any questions?"

A man he recognised as Scott Lang raised his hand high in the air.

"Yes, front row?"

"Who's going to go first?"

"Well I was thinking to go by the alphabetical order" He looked at the file Fury gave him.

Barnes, James B.

He was _so_ fucked.

* * *

"So mister Barnes, can I call you James? I heard the Captain call you Buck, is it short for Buckminster, long for Buck?"

No answer. Alex decided to start slow.

"So I read your files, it must be hard trying to connect with the modern times, you know, Ladies wearing pants, black people sitting in the front of the bus and all that."

James looked at him like he was speaking a foreign language.

"Why would that be shocking?" He spoke. That was progress.

"Well I don't know you seem bothered so I have to make a few guesses, so am I right or is it Rudy that gives you nightmares?"

"Who's Rudy?"

"Oh come on even you should know Ice Age by now! Don't tell me they didn't fill you up on that, half of my puns are based on it!"

"I know what Ice Age is, I went to school." He looked offended.

"I'm talking about the animated movie, how come you didn't see it?"

"Steve and I haven't started to watch children's movies."

"You and him go way back huh?"

James' face turned grim.

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"It's okay, what would you like to talk about?"

No answer again.

"Or would you prefer to watch the movie in total silence without any sort of human interation?"

He nodded firmly.

* * *

The two hours turned out to be a full movie marathon. Alex was very proud of himself as he saw Bucky chuckle at the TV screen. But half way through the first Madagascar, Alex saw him tense suddenly, his fists balled. On the screen the lion had started loosing his mind, following his instincts and trying to eat his zebra best friend. Alex made a move to grab the remote when Bucky's gruff voice stopped him.

"I didn't want to do it." He kept his eyes on the screen. "I couldn't control myself."

Alex paused the movie. He didn't expect him to talk about it so soon.

"It's okay it w-"

"No" Bucky cut him. "I know everyone says it's not my fault, but it was me. I just couldn't stop. Back in DC, if I hadn't snapped out of it, I could have killed Steve... and he'd have let me."

He just sounded so helpless, Alex just wanted to hug him until he was happy. Which was technically impossible, the guy was like a big mountain of muscles, his skinny arms wouldn't even be long enough to circle his tight.

"Hey, If my aunt had a penis, she'd be my uncle" Bucky looked at him confusedly. Alex was starting to think it was the only feeling he was able to inspire to people. "My point is, you can't waste your time wondering what would have happened. You can't change the past. But you can create the future." God he sounded like a Facebook quote. But that seemed to calm Bucky a little.

"Before Wanda fixed my brain, I could see it in their eyes, they were all afraid that I'll go back to being a monster again. But HYDRA didn't turn me into a monster, they turned me into a weapon for their monsters to use. I didn't even got to choose when to sleep or when to eat."

"But you have the choice now, you're not a weapon anymore, you can do whatever you want, be whomever you want. I'm not gonna lie, life has been an A class bitch with you, but you raised up everytime she punched you in the dick, and you made it till now. Plus you're still unnaturally good looking if you want my opinion. So now what do _you_ want to do?"

He thought for a few seconds before answerring.

"I wanna finish the movie"

* * *

By the time the movie ended it was dinner time. As Alex and Bucky walked out of the therapy room they found the Captain side by side with Black Widow and Falcon, waiting at the door.

"Took your time" Rogers said. "We were starting to get worried."

"We watched some movies... Can we eat sushi? I wanna try it"

"Sure, I know a place" Agent Romanoff responded. "Doctor." she acknowledged him as the others made their way out while Bucky was asking Steve to download I Like To Move It on his Ipod.

Alex tried not to squirm like a school girl and reminded himself that he was supposed to be gay before going the other way.

* * *

His first impression of Clint was that he was just a simple guy. Hanging out with his friends, doing his job (Which consisted in playing Robin hood against the greatest threats of the Earth) and occasionnaly cracking a few bad jokes (Which Alex could not complain about, his were two times worse).

"I read your file, and the only thing I could learn about you is that you're classified. So would you like to tell me a little bit about yourself? "

"My name is Clint Barton; for five years I was trained on an island, with only one goal-"

"Well done" Alex cut "But you're talking to a 20 years old skinny gay here, I know every line from every TV Show featuring abs. So what's your real origin story?"

"I was raised in a circus."

"No shit! That explains a lot actually" Clint glared. "So you're a little bit like the clown of the team huh?"

"You're not going to let it go right?"

"Only until I find something better to joke about. So how would you describe your role in the team right now?"

"You mean besides the babysitter? 'Cause that's all I seem to be for that bunch of morons."

Alex softened.

"It must be hard having to watch for them and your kids at the same time."

Clint tensed.

"How do you know about them?" He asked warily.

"I just guessed. It's a father thing you know? Pretending to be constantly annoyed of watching over the people you love"

He smiled.

"I just wish they stopped being so childish around each others you know, that's my job normally."

"And there is nothing wrong with that. I think we're finished here you seem pretty healthy mentally, except if you plan on blowing up a building on the way out I think I'm going to let you go."

"Eager to get rid of me huh? Fine by me." Clint chuckled raising up.

"Wait, before you go I was wondering, you're probably the best archer in the world-"

"Probably?"

"-you never missed a target, and you choose to be a spy rather than winning the olympics?"

"...They had cookies."

"That makes sense."

* * *

Scott Lang was undoubtedly the most awkward person Alex ever met, and he heard himself talking everyday, that was to say. The least that could be said about him was that he had a lot of anxieties.

Alex could barely comprehend the words he started rambling as soon as he passed the door of the room. He could make out things among the lines of 'I think my left arm is longer than the right one is that normal?', 'Why won't Captain look at me like he looks at Sam?' and 'Why do cats always look like they know something we don't?'.

After a few minutes Alex had enough and decided to stop him. By throwing a Kitkat bar at his face and screaming 'HAVE A BREAK'. Weird, but efficient nonetheless.

"Hum sorry, so my name is Scott Lang, and as you can see I have a lot to talk about so if we cou-"

"What I can see is that you are way too anxious about a lot of unimportant things, doctor's opinion you need to chill bro."

"And how am I supposed to do that?"

"Well for starters breathe, then eat the KitKat, after that you think and you tell me what's really bothering you."

Once he had followed the directions he seemed more collected.

"It's just that I'm always so confused on what I am doing here, I'm not like these guys, I'm no superhero material, I mean look at me, I'm so little compared to them, I don't belong here."

"Size doesn't matter. Sorry I had to do this one, for the good of humanity. No seriously man, It's not a coincidence that you became Antman, and an Avenger. I mean hero is not an archetype, it's a line of conduct, and until here you've been doing your job perfectly. "

He Beamed.

"You're right thanks Doc or should I call you Alex? I feel like I should call you Alex we should hang out sometime you know watch a movie have a coffee in a totally professionnal way of course do you like brownies? You look like a guy who like brownies my ex wife makes the best brownies ever I'll bring you some next time..." he continued rambling as he made his way towards the door without any sort of dismissal.

And Alex wondered if he was more shocked about the fact that Scott had actually managed to get married at some point or that the guy might be his soulmate.

* * *

"So no problems to report on your first week?" Fury asked as their made their way towards his brand new appartment in the Avenger's facility. Fury had insisted that he moved in for security reasons and he had not refused only because he was this close to get kicked out of his previous flat. The killer bathtub was so not the reason he said yes.

"Not that I know of." He answered.

The one he was the most wary to work with was Bucky, but Wanda using her psychic abilities to erase any sort of compulsion HYDRA had put on him made it significantly easier to trust him not to eviscerate him for one of his many (bad)puns.

"Mr Fury, can I ask you a question?" Fury made no objection. "If you know why I never had my degree, you know that my methods are quite unusual and that I tend to cross certain lines between a therapist and his patient which can be dangerous... Why did you choose me?"

"Well first I scare you way to much for you to go and sell secrets to the enemy" Well that was flattering, Alex already regretted asking. "And secondly, maybe what they need is someone who cross the lines, and that's why I choose you."

Alex thought that if he was a Pokemon, he'd be Psyduck.

* * *

 **SO THERE WAS AN UNHEALTHY AMOUNT OF REFERENCES. TELL ME WHAT YOU THOUGHT OF MY BULLCRAP.**

 **ADIOS BITCHACHOS.**


End file.
